· "I love walks on the beach, bungee jumping and traveling the world."
Translation: I live in the dust bowl, wade in kiddy pools and the last time I saw the world was when I drove outside Topeka city limits to stock up on lotto tickets and green ketchup.

· "I like to go out and have fun, but also like to cuddle up on the couch with a good movie."
Translation: For the first few dates, I'll pretend to be a social butterfly, but once we get cruising baby, we're gonna make it a Blockbuster year!

· "I don't judge people by their looks, as long as there is some chemistry."
Translation: My enormously pretentious soap box is inversely proportional to the size of my penis.

· "I'm just curious, I'm not really 'looking' for anything."
Translation: Dear sweet Jesus, I need a boyfriend. Furthermore, I burst into tears whenever I see a couple holding hands.

· "I want friends first, then we'll see where it goes."
Translation: Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery of sexual favors.

· "Cheaters and players need not apply because I'm not looking for games."
Translation: By portraying myself as a victim, I'm going to attract the very man I fear.

· "I'll try anything once! LOL!"
Translation: I want to make it sound like I'm a thrill-seeker when in fact I'm most comfortable with my ass on the couch and three bags of Baked Lays. Also, I don't do anal.

· "Family and friends are very important to me."
Translation: Get ready, you'll be meeting mom on the third date.

· "I'm spiritual, not religious."
Translation: I want all the props for saying I believe in God but there's no way in holy hell I'm getting up Sunday to go to church.

· "I'm as comfortable being snuggly wuggly on the couch in sweats as I am dressed up for a night on the town."
Translation: I'm normally dressed in tattered Green Bay Packers gear, but if my prom dress still fits me, we might go out.