Mauricio

PD: All in you is like that sweet eyes that you have?

(PD: it's P.S., Mauricio, not PD.

P.S. I've had a team of literati analyze your PD and they've come to the conclusion that you're either the next poet laureate, or channeling the spirit of a prolapsed colon)

I decided to try this online dating thing because I have no idea what to say women. I used to have no confidence at all because I weighed in at 354 lbs. I have lost over 135 lbs since June and have about 40 more to go. I had gastric bypass surgery on June 9. I feel good enough about myself to put myself out there. I wouldn't say I had the surgery just so that someone would date me, but it played a big part. Being alone is probably the worst thing in the world.

I'm sorry, you were saying?

i wonder what would have happen if you would had more drinks...lmao...i would love to rub your feet after a hard day's work and then run some bath water, light some candles and bring you several drinks while you relax in a sea of bubbles...towel dry you, take you to the bedroom and massage you down with some nice oil...see if you can giggle after that...lol...baby i do enjoy life because it's too short to have any regrets...if we click let me know...

(Calgon, take me away...from this asshole)

Alexis, Ill cut and paste some of my profile so you know me

i like a woman who (in her suttle way) knows she's the baddest bitch in the room and is not intemadated by others. i like an IN SHAPE* woman, between 5'00" and 5'9"- *NOTE WHEN I SAY IN SHAPE, I MEAN; ONE WHO IS ATHLETIC/CAN LEFT HER OWN GROCERIES AND CAN CHASE HER OWN TAXI= TO BE SPECIFIC FOR THOSE OF THE SEMANTIC NATURE; WEIGHT BEING PROPORTIONAL TO YOUR HEIGHT- PERFERABLY THINNER AS OPPOSED TO THICKER; DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT!

with aaaall that being said, i know, it's a tall order. but what do you want, i'm a cancer!!

(On my soul)

Hello,

If feel like there is so much pressure to write something special so you will email me back. I'm not a big fan of feeling pressured, so I'm not going to write anything. I will leave it up to you. If you don't write me back because I didn't say the right thing. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyway.

(Impressive, you've managed to turn something as simple as "Hello" into a colossal loserfest. If feel bad for you, if really do)

(You know, I consider myself a reasonable young lady, and I would've responded to Fatih's initial message, but considering he spewed four more in a matter of about a couple of hours, I didn't really get a chance. Besides, it's always fascinating to witness someone self-destruct without having to say a word)

(Message #1)

i'll do the last the first: name is Fatih. not Faith though. be careful. that is not a classical american name cuz it's a Turkish name. it's about 2:00 am, the thanksgiving day. there are exactly 267 profiles in my list. and i am just scanning throguh very fast, and trying to see any other freaks who are online at this time. so i am even not reading the profiles, just looking at the pictures. now comes the question: despite all, what is the reason that i read your profile, what made me to spend all this time? considering what i learned from your profile, i am sure you'll be able to answer this question. but dont just say "cuz i am beautiful" or "i look cute in the picture that i posted", because i already skipped many gorgeous looking pics. alright, i stop here and i am waiting for you answer. you can send a mayil to the adrres i gave above. i am sure we can enjoy a great friendship. have a wonderful thanksgiving

(Message #2)

i don't wanna be insisting too much but, everytime i login here, everytime i open my gmail account, the first thing that i am thinking is to see if there's an email from you. i check this a couple of times everyday hoping to see sth from you, hoping to see an answer. i have been very honest with you and very sincere. i really liked you. i think i at least deserve an answer even if it says no. (by the way, lemme say i did not send my emails to be able to say that i deserved an answer.) and, there is one but only one thing i can assure you: no matter what, you shall never regret my friendship. that's all i can say or do at the moment. i am impatiently waiting for you answer. [...]@gmail.com best wishes

(Message #3)

time is passing by.... yes time is passing by, and i am still waiting for the day that you'll write to me. i still keep my hope alive that one day you'll write to me. i still keep my hope alive that my hope that one day we'll be friends. i still keep my hope alive that one day, i'll be able to make you happy and smile as you look happy in your photo and as you smile. i still keep my hope alive that one day i'll be looking at those wonderful, bright eyes, and seeing them looking at my eyes with the same warmness as in your photo. i still keep my hope alive that one day we'll find and watch a wonderful episode of the perfect strangers and have a good laugh together. and nothing is gonna stop me now from keeping my hopes alive; but just one thing will make me my day the happiest day of my last hundred days, just one thing: an answer from you. best of wishes, fatih. [...]@gmail.com

(Message #4)

"today, i cancel my membership. i'm not gonna be writing to you anymore. i wish you had written me an email. but if u really don't want to, that's ok. i'll always remember your wonderful smile. take care."

(Message #5)

"oops, one final thing. if some miracle happens and you decide to write to me (i still keep my hopes alive, i donno why lol) my email address is [...]@gmail.com"

Holly smokes,what a mean ass! im jim,Im a union carpenter on the injured list.i might jump around in this letter,so dont cop an additude otay.Dont make me spank you,for being honest with you.I can read a tape measure alot better..Well 3 months ago cought my x cheating on me,2 days after that i got my colar bone broke.Shitty luck huh.Im all good.FUCK all these capital letters.lol.well any way,she's begged me back but how can you trust that person,right.want a joke, give you one,why do blond woman have bruises around thier bell button.cause blond men are stupid too.hey be nice its a joke.ill tell you its hard to have a sence of humor trying to meet some one like this.

About me,im probly the most affectionet man you'll ever meet.one of the resons i concidered writing you a letter is your hair,i would play with it for hours.nothing better than cuddling,sure do miss it.lov to cook and im very good,i just hate cleaning up after it all but i do. i cant wait for snow,i lov snowmobiling.wandering if we could chat online?well i made the first step here,hope to hear from you,if i dont keep smiling sunshine.

Hi, my name is Abel. I read your profile and you seem like a very interesting person. Although I'm a teacher and consider myself to be a highly intelligent person, literature and poetry are not my strong areas. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty weak in those areas. However, I'm sure that there are other areas of intellectual stimulation that we can pursue. Actually, I'm more of a talker than a writer. If you are interested, write me back.

(You're also weak in another critical area: Ever speaking to me)

your funny im sure there alot of guys you are lazy i love to chat on line try me some time well im fare from Lazy check out my profile you will see for yourself i have been all over the world and have seen alot I work hard and im looking to share all my hard work with someone special hope you have a great day and would be honored to hear back from you.. Brian..(cherry farmer) -Developer- Golf course Superintendent..

i also met the dalai lama once...and i kill gophers...

Hi, you're phenomenal!! I'm originally from Hartford, but I'm only here for 2 weeks of leave from Iraq, my National Guard unit got called up. I'm an X-ray tech in the unit. I'm looking to have some fun while I'm home. Wanna play? You're definitely a precious little tart. I'm 29 6'2 210 blue eyes. Hope to hear from you.

Hi there

I am Charles. I think you look very cute in you pic with a killer smile. I really like you personals. You seem to have a great personality. I really like you profile. I would really like to talk to you and get to know you. I hope to hear fom you soon..

My name is Charls ;)

(I am Alexis. I am sitting in front of my computer. I am reading you response. I really like you smooth talking. I no longer want to live. I am feeling queezy and looking at you pic make me have cancer. My name is Alexs)

Subject: hey

fuck it.
your hot,sassy and smart!
i like that.
hit me back

eric

(Hit you back? Certainly. Come a little closer and I'll punt your sack, too)

Hello Alexies

First of all I haven't been with a caucasian girl.. did you said you PR (PuertoRican). Let me now if 3 months of subscription is a waste since by the 22nd it will be all over.

(I'd be happy to fill your Caucasian quota...but I must admit, I got 1/16th Cherokee in me. I'm hoping that won't keep you from responding!)

Subject: nice

its defenatelly left for interpretation but it seem a decision to break off from someone it could be parents friend idol pet or lover therefore i say lover for futher insight write me

(Listen, I seem to have caught you right after waking up from a coma...why don't you clear up that head trauma issue of yours and type at me later, cool?)

Subject: meeting new people !!!

Damm ,

I ' m that fucked up
looking , were you don ' t
care what i ' m talking
about ????????

(Ok, ok, since you finally caught my attention with that confident seventh question mark, I'll finally respond. No, kind sir, you're not that fucked up. You're tremendously fucked up)

Dear Alexs ,

u seem so inocent in those pictres, yet I fell there is more to ur story. a more interesting side... You live life to learn WHILE you learn life as you live... Agree? show me you can hold a conversation.

(You first)

Hey you ;)

SO what time am I pick you up?! Nice pics, Hope to hear from ya ;)

-Marc

(Me not quite sure what time are you pick me up. How about quarter 'til the apocalypse?)

Here's something a little different for you...Your pictures look really young, in fact I feel a little grossed out thinking that you are good looking, yet, may just be graduating middle school. Not trying to be mean, just honest. Anyway, I do like your profile and think we could have a good time hanging out, plus, match told me you are a "mutual" match.

(Well, if Match said so...it's ok to let those pedophile tendencies flourish, as long as Match thinks we're soulmates nothing's illegal!)

Hi

I have a way with words.

(Cool. Where are they?)

Hello,

Just want to say hi and let you know your bod is smokin!

(Fascinating. Considering you can't see my body in the pictures, you must be either 1) clairvoyant or 2) finally getting some good use out of that telescope mom gave you for Christmas)

Hello There Hot Stuff,

You sure are a kitten with a whip!(got that from Will and Grace) I like your profile. Very cute. I hope you take the time to read mine. There's some humor in it but I guess I did feel obligated to throw in some of the usual fluff. You can't please everyone. And you can't write " I like sex, beer, sex, vodka, sex, pizza, sex, sex, sex, sex, etc., etc., sex. Although it would have been much easier. You know, it felt pretty good writing that just now.

(Glad you feel a sense of release. Just aim away from the pizza)

Hello

Hi:

My name is Steven. I want to make your dreams come true. Your profile is a beautiful dream come true. When I saw your profile time stopped and I had to respond.

We can only share all the great things life has to offer as we get acquainted. I am in no rush.

If you would like to have fun and meet someone new contact me. I would like to get to know you over a drink, a cup of coffee, a fine dinner, by phone, or any way you are comfortable. My E-mail = [...]

I am new at this. Please be patient. As you get to know me you will find that I have the qualities you have described.

I am looking forward to getting to know you.

I anticipate hearing from you.

I would like to have fun getting to know you better.

Regard's Steven

(Where do we begin. First of all, I appreciate the fact that you made your email address in the form of an equation. Secondly, what are you exactly "new at?" Writing a letter? Kissing a girl? Thirdly, shut it)

Well, I saw your profile and was attracted to your smile. My name is Edward, I'm about 58, 28 years old. I'm Hispanic, but no worries as I am educated and employed. I think we have alot, so I decided to respond.

(Trust me, we'll never have a lot. Hell, you can't even decide how old you are)

hey, i would love to get to know. I dont have email very often so you can call me

(Nice work. No email, no number. Oh yeah, and no name! Sure, I'll date you. I love a mysterious man)

Here's some knowledge for ya.......

LOL.... Seem kinda bitchy if ya ask me. Let me guess, a guy need to "impress" you right.... but no matter what he does he'll never DESERVE you, because YOUR too "perfect"!!

You use some BIG words like "ideology" which is good, and almost makes you sound somewhat smart.... But then you loose all credibility when you throw words like "gander" in there. (makes you sound more like a hick from the woods)

Well miss Tri Delt PR newbie, I doubt there's anything dazzling about your "daily dose of brilliance on the public relations world".... So hopefully your at lease baffling 'em with your BULLSHIT!!

Have I "spiced it up" enough for ya.... if not, let me know so I can give it another try..... I'd hate to disappoint someone as "SPECIAL" as you. Maybe you should grab ahold of those pig tails you got, and use them for some leverage to get that head out of your ass!!!

(Well I never! Too bad...I don't have the heart to explain to him the difference between "loose" and "lose," "lease" and "least," "your" and "you're"; not to mention the difference between "moron" and "imbecile")

That's cool most people don't write stuff like that on there profile. I would like to getr to know U better.
My yama is Kelby

(Your yama ain't gettin' mamma)

WOW is what comes to mind . . .

I do own my own business; have nice toys as well as a nice condo that is paid for in full.

Now for the non-material portion of me (all the good stuff, if ya know what I mean), I have a great sense of humor (like nobody that you know), without a doubt I am a unique individual, and I have been told that I am also very smart and great in bed (I am certainly in shape).

If all that is not enough, I am not like most guys, I grew up with my mother only, no brothers, sisters or anyone really, just me and mom. So with that said, I am really not like most guys, or at least my friends.

I do not lie (EVER, about anything), I don't really drink all that much and I would never hit a girl.

No joke, I am much better in person as I am sure you are as well. Lets hook up and have lunch, I'll treat, and then we can both make a real decision.

Hey, if that isn't enough for you then I guess I can only say that I gave it my best shot and God bless the guy that wins your heart!

Peace :o)

Hope to hear from you soon,
Adam

Hello God? It's me again, Margaret. Oh God, is there a man out there who owns his own business, has his condo paid in full, is smart AND great in bed, grew up without siblings, never lies--EVER about anything!--and would never hit a girl? Is he out there? Oh good, and God, could you make sure he puts all of that pretentious bullshit info in the first email? Thanks.

Hi Alkexis!

So tell me a little about yourself. Are you very close with your family? Do you have a very large family? What do you enjoy doing in your down time? Where did you graduate from college? What made you decide upon your major? What culture, aka way of life, has always amazed you and why?

Sorry for the interrogation but i think you get to know someone by both the questions they ask and the answers they give.

(Really? You think so? No need to apologize, I think you might be onto something here! Let me get this straight: What you're saying is that people "gain information" from one another through this so-called series of "questions" and "answers"--not completely unlike a...dialogue? Or...conversation? Whew, I'm in over my head here, I'd better stop thinking so hard)

hi my name is philip

i saw your profile and i would like help. i am looking for sex with not strings attacked. here is my photo if you are looking

(When numnuts attack...)

Amateur Cook looking for a cute judge!

You know I bleed everytime you sleep cause I don't know if I'm in your dreams... Well, this explains it all. the rest is up to your imagination cutie!

(I'm wrestling with that right now)

Don't let all the bike pics fool ya. When I'm "cleaned up" I can pass for SS on the Cubs or QB for da Bears. I'm like water. Pour me in a glass and I take the shape of the glass. Pour me in a bowl and I take the shape of a bowl. In other words, I can adapt to any surroundings...except clubs. I can't fake that for nothing!

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

(Now what if--and stay with me here--what if the old lady, old friend and perfect partner were one in the same? How about that?)

Hello Alexis

I would describe myself as humourous with some streak of sarcasm. An occasional huckleberry flint sense of adventure and rebellion but with my feet still planted on the ground. An Intellectual, L would like good debates and hear new opinions. A gourmet of fine cuisine and an amatuer cook. My idea of dates would be pple picking in fall, and then trying to make pple pie, fishing and then having the fresh catch of the day for dinner.

L's pies are made of pple, THEY'RE MADE OF PPLE!

(Here's a sterling example of a confident response)

Hi,

I know I am not in your age range but I look young for my age, and am very much in to being spontanous. I have no idea what you mean by Chads, Brads or thads, but I am positive I am neither. You sound like a lot of fun, but know, that I have already moved on to the next. I know, that if you are interested you will let me know, but I'm not about to wait for a reply from you, Hence: the moving on to the next. All I am asking for is a chance to get to know you. Look forward to hearing from you.

Have a great weekend

John

I wish they was a way I could get to know you better, I have tried a few times to get you to take notice.

Right now I am doing a research for a new novel. I love to write, and I am bit nervous I have not wrote anything major since my freshman year at college. However I believe the talent is dormant inside of me. IF you like you can read it and tell me what you like.

(You never have wrote nothin' major? Perhaps we can wake up this dormant talent with...oh, I don't know...shock therapy?)

ha

That was a good profile - I have the same complaint as you - most of the women on this are trying too hard to write the perfect profile and most of the e-mails I get dance around all the good subjects. Anyhoo - you are obviously a fucking wildcat. I would love to take you out and seduce you and know what your skin tastes like. So don't be a chickenshit! Don't worry - I'm usually behaved on the first date. Usually.

Ben

(No, not chickenshit; my skin tastes like chicken)

(Perhaps we should preface this response with Alexis' prescribed dating age range: 23-28)

I am a 44(going on 21) white male about 195 pds. 5' 7"(what I lack in height I make up for in tenacity and attitude). Brown hair (with red tinge), greenish eyes(that change with mood), reddish short beard(with white), healthy, wealthy(I wish) and very wise( I know - therefore I am). I am self employed(for over 15 yrs) so I am no bum. I do not smoke, drink, drugs or chew(and I insist that you not chew either). Very active and no couch potato(but I do like fries). I am French(lover) and Indian(stamina). I have a good imagination and use it extremely well. ;-)

Looking forward to hearing from you.(If you dare!)

Denis

(Oh I'll chew alright...just you wait)

Hey girl if you want to give it a shot t...

(Unfortunately, I haven't wanted to give it a shot t in quite some time. Maybe soon, who knows. Keep in touch)

hey

hi,

i saw your ad and it caught my eye. i think we have something in common. i also play the guitar. if you would like to chat some more drop me a line talk to you.

Rob

(What are the friggin' chances you also play the guitar? Nostradamus couldn't have predicted this freaky coincidence. We must be a match)

I'm an old fashioned gentleman, and I treat the special woman in my life very well. I like to show her how important she is to me. I am also caring, honest and sincere. I also have a great sense of humor. I love to laugh and have a great time. I'll do anything to have some fun. If you're looking for a funny guy, then look no further. Just kidding. Well a little.

I'll tell you a little about myself and then ask you some questions. Please tell me things about yourself. I finished my first workout this morning, and I do my second one this afternoon. Yes, I workout twice a day right now. I do 45 minutes of cardio in the morning, and I bodybuild\powerlift at night. I'm just in my training workouts right now. I won't be doing two workouts a day for a long time. Fitness and working out are very important to me, but I'm not one of those guys that are stuck on it or themselves. I'll tell you later why fitness is important to me.

(Could it be...oh, I don't know...the health benefits?)

I love to dance. I also like to spend quality time with the special woman in my life.

(Fascinating. Tell me more about this "quality time" idea of yours and how I can get in on it!)

What else can I tell you about myself? I grew up in a small town on the other side of the state. There are six kids in my family. I moved to the area five years ago to get into my career. You already know a lot of the things that I like to do. I love to travel. I just got home from Ireland. I was in Dublin, Ireland. I'm also very romantic and thoughtful. I like to show the special woman in my life how important she is to me.

What else would you liketo know? Ask away.

I'm very interested in getting to know you much better. I think we have many things in common.

I do have some questions for you. Are you attracted to the bigger powerlifting football player type guys or the little skinny guys? I powerlift everyday, so I'll never be a little skinny guy. What do you find as the sexiest bodypart on a man? I find a woman's eyes, smile and legs to be sexy. How do you treat the lucky man in your life? I treat the special young lady in my life very well. I treat her with dignity and respect. I make sure she knows just how special she is to me. What are some of your goals and dreams? Do you workout or anything? I have many and will discuss them later. This is probably enough questions for now.

I have had one relationship from the personals thing, so they have worked for me in the past. Have they worked for you?

(I have a sneaking suspicion that they won't...)

"Champagne is just a drink that tastes better when shared among two lovers."

And I like toast for your beauty, who is a like a song written by the hands of God. Ever thank your parents for making you so beautiful? It is 12pm, I was about to leave the office, and just received your matching profile in my email.

(Ah, if my parents hadn't come together on that fateful evening 24 years ago, I wouldn't be here to cry over such a beautiful message. Literally, they came at the same time. It was a like a song written by the hands of God)

My name is Darren. I was very intrigued to find that you play guitar. I am somewhat of a musician. It's hard to classify myself as one. I piano and keyboard. I'm sorry I am new to this internet dating thing.

(You know what else you're new at? Speaking)

(Tip: before saying "Hello, how are you" why not vomit all over your chances and ask Alexis to take a day off work so she can meet a complete stranger? Also, don't leave a name)

Any chance of meeting on 5/5? I am off all week since I am running the Long Island Marathon on Sunday and 5/5 is my birthday. Can you get the day off for a trip to the park if its nice or lunch at McSorley's if its raining?

(It's a terrific idea to address women in general, so as to sound like a total playa)

My name is Doug. I am a Italian hopeless romantic. I enjoy treating a women right. I am well manored and a gentleman. I like taking a women out on a romantic night on the town, sunset walk, sensual candle light dinner were we can talk and enjoy each others company and from there the night is young with endless options.

(As long as you remember one of them is denying you sex)

hey sexy girl, you wanted a joke so here it is. next time you might think about what you're asking for.
Do you know why witches don't wear panties?
So they can grip the broom better :)
Well, thought I'd shoot you a message to see if I might be your type. To know me is to love me so if nothing else maybe we can talk. I'd lay odds if we could talk and meet, I'd be in :)

(Odds aren't good, I'd make sure you never beat the spread)

hi

i am a kitty rubbing aginst your leg purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........

dominic

Remeber to please spay and neuter your kitties. I'm Boob Barker...

I like to ask you where your spend time for fun like out on a town, maybe your interested in meeting. Sorry for the ice barker but I feel that its much to much writing especially with no response. Peter

(You say barker, I say breaker; you say no response, I say absolutely)

Hi I like you ad, can I meet you and have a lunch?
I am tall asian guy.
I am looking for a nice girl to be my friend first.
I am a business man with
a big heart.

Look forward to hearing from you.

--Ming

(I like you ad, too. Not sure about meeting, but yes, you may have a lunch. Just make sure it's on the opposite side of the continent)

I'm only writing to you because you're good looking but I consider what you've written about yourself to be attractive on its' own, still if you weren't good looking I'd have to next you.

(You had me at "FOOT IN MY MOUTH")

I like making out with a chick for long periods of time but cuddling too much annoys me. I like to see how much I can turn a chick on in a public setting where she can't do anything about it without getting caught but in a private setting I prefer to turn her on until she's begging me to take her all the way. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

I believe moments should be reason enough to find find passion in life and I am anything but boring. I'm doing this for fun alone because God gave me two gifts and one of them is being able to walk away with the prettiest girl in the room anytime, any place, and the other is...

hey whats up , how are you?? well i was just wondering if you have a messenger to chat on sometime???? if you do let me know and we can chat then. so it said u like to play sports???

(Strike number one: no mention of sports)

are you a club or a pub person?? what is your favorite type of food?? do you like to travel?? do you come into the city sometimes??? what do you do for aliving??

(Strike number two: I don't think he understands what PR means)

well take care for now, i hope to talk to you soon. ohhh and i was also wondering if you have another pic maybe???? i have a couple more if you would like me to send them??

(Strike number three: damn, two photos isn't enough for you? Are you scrapbooking your internet personals experience? Hell, strike number four: gratuitous use of question marks)

Hi there Alexis, I live on the northwest side trying to find a girl closeby so that we can do things together easily.

(That's it, my man! Romance is all about convenience, convenience, convenience)

I'm an attractive SWM 38 years old, slim/slender, brown hair, blue eyes. I do prefer a girl that likes fashion, follows the trends and tends to dressup usually. I'm very tall at 6/3 like you wanted so you'll definitely need to always wear your higher 3" heeled shoes and stiletto-styled leather boots as an essential wardrobe element along side me. I like a girl that can go from a mix of denim/nice jeans, hiheels and cute fitting outfits/tops to short skirts, nylons and knee-hi boots, little black dresses, or her leather pants and skirts for our nights out if you see any favs from your closets - shopping ok - as long as you are a good girl and go with me to the sports and electronic stores too :) .

(At this point, he's dangerously close to being as fashion savvy as his potential lady friend, if not more)

I have a good job downtown, financially secure/stable do my best to take care of you, treat you nice, I'm a gentleman at heart - hold doors, help you on with your coat, etc.. I come from a small family, never married, nokids, family oriented. Friends seem to like my dry wit and sense of humor first, but I'd like to think I'm caring and honest as well. Looking for a long term relationship with a great girl I match well with someone who is fun, very affectionate (yes, likes to hug/cuddle, hold hands, be touchy-feely :), playfully silly with feminine, girly-girl flair (long hair styled different ways, polish on the nails, little jewlery/chokers, earrings, smells nice),

(It's official, he's gay)

must be trustworthy, sincere, more shy/passive demeanor, a plus if you are sweetly submissive, and a bit kinky/spicy yourself - I am rather decisive, somewhat controlling

(Well, as long as you're only somewhat controlling)

and usually keep things in perspective enough for both of us by trying not to sweat the small stuff. Together we enjoy movies,

(Whoah, whoah--using the present tense in this case is way too reminiscent of "it puts the lotion in the basket" man)

dinners (out or in, want a girl who will cook/bake for me too), comedy clubs/shows, sports, sharing ice cream and all the boyfriend/girlfriend activites. So if any of this sounds good to you hope to hear back and we can go from there.

LOOKING FOR A SLIM INTELLIGENT LADY, WHO WISHES TO MEET ALL HER MOST SECRET SEXUAL FANTASIES. INTERESTED?

(Yes, in pressing your fucking Caps lock button)

Hi ,I hope you are doing good.I was wondering if you would like to talk.You can give me a buss here or at [...]. take care mark

(Yes, please take care of Mark. He needs attention)

Hi Alexisnexis

So, I'll cut to one of my perceived strengths, humor. It's what balances life. I mean, whether you're in a board room or sitting on a street corner in the rain anxiously looking for that cab in the rain to get you to where you should have been 1/2 hour ago, humor puts it all in perspective. And makes it better. That means silliness at times. Like I'd like to design a toilet seat. The seat itself is a carved, gold-inlaid frame. The seat sets down inside it and on its face is a painting from Van Gogh. The name of the seat ('cause as a joke it'd be fun to try to sell) is "Gotta Van Gogh", inspired by a late 19th century bowl movement. My description of myself I confess is aweful. Respond with a more specific question or two and I promise you'll be surprised and delighted.

(I'd tend to perceive your humor as a definite weakness)

Boring, tell you something other than, what? Other than you remind me of a beutiful shopping mall and I was wondering if I could stop by and pay a visit to your gap. Spicy, hmmm. I kind of lost. I like the pig tails. Chris. Write back sometime

(Actually, we at PP rather liked this one)

(Corporate dipshits of America, lend me your ears: while away on business, proposition women twenty years your junior for a dinner and a screw)

Alone in New York !

So where do I start? I am alone in New York for the next week on business and I liked the look of your profile. So if your around this week it would be great to meet up for a drink, and if you don't think I am utterly mad by the end of it maybe I could take you out for dinner! So it would be great to hear from you, just email me back and maybe we can arrange something?

Yours Sincerely

Ben Way

(No way. Hell yeah we can arrange something, like a fucking escort, 'cause that's what you need. Remember that part of your profile where you asked "So where do I start?" I'd say "By shutting your damn cyber yapper")

(A perfect ice breaker is to announce that not every activity you wish to do with Alexis is sexual in nature. Classy)

hey alexis weissenberg!!

So you had a few drinks and a digital camera handy and the craziest pics you took had you in Pigtails!!! ahh oh so cute. I just imed you for some live chat...maybe you'll respond. I'm single, 22, and I have many ideas of different kinds of fun we can have...not all are sexual like most guys would have...i'm talking about goooood times here in chicago..lets chat soon

Always
Scott

(More like never, Scott)

My name is Tom. How are you doing today? I hope that your having a great day. I have read your profile and enjoy talking with you.

(Since when?!)

Attached is my profile with my details. I figure it is only fare that you see who your talking with. If your interested in talking or meeting for a drink, just respond back to my email. Hope to hear from you soon.

Tom

(The only "fare" involved is your cab ride home)

you are so funny alexis

Dear Alexis,

You are really cute and sassy. I like the fact that you are specific and say what you want... I know you probably get told that. You have that look about you which is entrancing. 28, 5' 6 1/2, like to work out (cardio/weights), have a nice thin, toned body, and am working a bit on the abs and love handles, have smooth tan skin, have black hair, and brown eyes. I have been told by women that I'm nice-looking, and I like to believe it too (and yet I'm not everyone's type- that is impossible, and I'm okay with the fact that I can't please everyone) but more importantly, I'm gentle, have a warm heart, am positive, creative, confident, humorous, enthusiastic, spiritual, and believe we can create whatever it is we want in this life. We are magicians of God. I'm humble, simple, and down-to-earth, yet very ambitious.

(I'm missing the humble part)

My whole purpose in life is based on helping others to achieve their life's goals and be active participants in life. In my professional life, I do this mainly through education and music, and have traveled around the world and living in different countries. I have only been to 25 countries and lived in 4, and still want to go to many others. I don't have an ego because I know that we all are capable of doing many things in our lives and being whoever we want. We choose. I am striving for balance in all the key areas in life- in personal, interpersonal, financial, adventure, health/fitness, spiritual, and career (music, education, travel).

I can go out and listen to a band, and even sing karaoke or perform myself, and am also relaxed staying at home, writing songs, snuggling up that special someone and watch a DVD, give a relaxing massage, drink some with warm tea, and serenade her and better yet, let her serenade me.

What Attracts Me to a Particular Kind of Woman (Ideal, Not essential to have) are:

1. She has PERSONALITY, is exciting, happy, loves other cultures (or is open to them), open-minded, balanced, and loves family, community, spirituality, etc. She is self-confident, loving, working to realize her purpose in life and be of service to others
2. She loves animals and children (but does not necessarily want to have them). She recognizes that both are loving, innocent, creative, positive, and bring out the best in those around them.
3. She is simple, down-to-earth, and yet ambitious
4. She has a body type that is average, bigboobed, athletic, or thin and tries to take care of her body, and loves to workout..
5. Finds herself attractive. If you think you look good, you probably do.
6. She can wear a pair of jeans, no make-up and still feel happy with herself when going out in public, or she can dress up and put make up on, and knows she looks just as good.
7. She has tattoos, piercing like on her stomach, pigtails, braided hair, anything (Not necessary).

(Speaking of not necessary...)

*drools*

Hey beautiful,
How you doing? Well, I usualy send icebreakers, but you deserve some thoughs of mine on why you should consider me. Personaly, I think we would be perfect togeher....why? Well, I am not Mr.Right, but my name is John, and I am very tolaberal (or how ever its spelled.) I would say I am the perfect mix of hard working but lazy, boring but full of excitment, smart but dumb, funny and sad, insucure and egotistical. In other words I am all over the board but very simple. I need 3 things to be happy....food, sex, and sleep. And I belive sex is nothing with out a little bit of "love". I got food, and sleep so I am content....I still need that something extra though.

Anyways....I work, I got my own place, got a car, love my job, got some good and bad friends, and uummm.......write me back if you care too....

Love,
John

(Now's the perfect time to write that Dear John letter)

Congrats on your job! I used to have one of those. But I got tired of just making insane amounts of money. Hey, anyone can do that in America (God Bless it...and no place else, right?). Hey, I feel the need to follow the patriotism-run-amok crowd otherwise I fear I might get run over! So, PR, huh? I guess that's like the ultimate in circulating rumors until everyone thinks they're true, right?

OK, enough of this rambling. Bless your smile! There is a God.

Dan

(There is no God)

(Impress the ladies with your ability to cook gourmet food. On top of that, spell Italian incorrectly so as to make it seem like you're familiar with a highly specialized, even obscure form of cooking from a completely unknown region of the world)

First off I think you have an awesome smile, but you already knew that. Next I am looking for someone to yes have some fun with, but they have to be up to the challenge. Like everybody else I have some bags. but I wouldnt trade em for the world. I like music, I used to do lites & sound for a living. Right now though I am into scuba diving I have never done anything so fun (well ok there is one, or is it mor than one thing) you figure it out. One more thing I like to be out doors like camping, and just bumming around, I also like to cook gourmet, I make my own fresh Itallion. there is more but now it is up to you, drop me a line if you got the sassiness for it.

(Let's leave the self-deprecation to Conan O'Brien, please)

PSSST! Click Here Please :-)

Wow, it worked! :-) Hi, Alexis! My name is Kevin. I was just looking at your ad: "Most impressive, young Skywalker" (lol) Oh great! Now you're going to think I'm a Star Wars geek, or something. I'm not - I was kinda just going for a laugh there. Well, it seems that the "geniuses' who run this site have determined we are a nearly perfect match. That news doesn't frighten you, does it? (j/k) But in looking at your information, we DO seem to have a bit in common here. And as far as your pictures, is it OK if I simply say, "WOWZERS!"? :-)

(No)

I drive a truck full-time for my day job. Just locally; no over-the-road stuff. Also, I play the drums for a Chicago-area heavy rock band called, Code Blue. We play our own original songs. Style-wise, I guess we're somewhere in between Godsmack and Pantera. It's heavy, but it's not "Death-Metal", or that junk that sounds like Cookie Monster is singing it. (lol) What kind of music are you into? Maybe if you have a minute, you could take a look at my profile-thingy. (Did I just say, "thingy"? SHEESH!) Granted, I know my picture looks like a mugshot. (lol) I'm going to change it soon. It's just the most recent one I have. But that aside, I really AM a gentleman. And I think I can make you laugh, too! Plus I smell good! (too much?...Oops, sorry) :-) Message me back when you get a chance, wouldja? You can do it through here, or my e-mail address is: [...] Hope to hear from you soon. Then I can start finding out all of the REALLY important stuff about you. You know, "vital" information, like: What do you like on your pizza? (lol) Take care, & have a good day, Alexis!.........Kevin

(Congrats: in order to convince women you're a lush, shitty spelling is a must. It'll make it seem like it took 42 beers to get up the courage to write)

The challange has been laid down! No more boring guys for you. Best day in Chicago has got to be meeting friends at a bar on a beutifull aturday morning in Wigley to slam a couple of miller lites and bask in the sun in the outfield at a Cubs game. Then joyousley stumbling your way to a bar on Clark for the rest of the afternoon! I mean come on, anyone (with arms) can snuggle right! So tell me, what is your idea of a perfect aturday in the city? Oh, and congrates on the PR job!

Preston

(Sweet mother of mercy, this has to be read to be believed)

you're my blonde dreamgirl an angel Heaven sent so may I spoil you?